Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
