There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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