Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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