Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
