Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I have post one night stand depression
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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