How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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