I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
