i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
