Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
