i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
We named our party play list daddy issues
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
