You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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