We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
