dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
