You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so let's talk penis.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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