Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
