I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
