Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
