I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
