And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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