Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
