He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
