Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
