Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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