god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
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