i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
