smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Randomize
