and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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