when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
