I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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