I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
