I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
