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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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