Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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