he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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