I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
we're so committed to being not committed
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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