So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
