Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
