I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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