mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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