i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
