So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
