he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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