That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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