I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
