Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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