i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
