really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
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