I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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