Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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