Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
