I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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