I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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